I Love The Cheesy Hallmark Channel Christmas Movies

(Updated 12/2/2018)

I have a soft spot for TV, movies, and music that are considered...let’s say less than the best. Sometimes entertainment that is unintentionally bad is more enjoyable to me than something comparatively decent. And the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies fit that bill for me.

Are they bad? Well, not really. But they’re incredibly cheesy (IMHO). I watched them every chance I had during last Christmas season, and this year I plan to do the same. Here are the reasons I find these movies so cheesy, and why I love them so much.

• They’re essentially Lifetime movies - Okay, now stay with me here. There’s nothing wrong with Lifetime movies, and I don't want to give you the wrong impression. It's just that these movies follow the same general formula: the lead character is female (either a professional or a small business owner), the story deals with romantic relationships, and the male lead is unrealistically perfect and the type of guy that makes us real-life guys look bad. These movies have their heart in the right place and are very sweet...but leave me thinking “There’s no way any of that would happen in real life.” (My wife disagrees with me on this point, saying that the Lifetime movies tend to be a little more mature in content.) So while I don't have any problem with Lifetime movies, I have to be honest when I say I find them a little corny. And these movies are quite similar. And it's because I like corny movies that these movies appeal to me. Please don't judge me!
• They seem to all be filmed in the same few locations - From the town square, to Main Street, to the office building where the protagonist works, it looks like all the locations across the different movies, regardless of where they’re actually supposed to be, are filmed in the same few locations (probably in Canada). I chuckle whenever there’s a scene on Main Street or the town square, that looks identical to Main Street or the town square in a completely different Hallmark Channel movie. And whenever there’s a scene in an office building, I have to wonder if they’ve just roped off part of the Hallmark Channel offices to film the scenes (and hey, why not?). On a side note, I watched one yesterday that was supposed to take place in Philadelphia, and the streets and storefronts looked nothing like Philadelphia. Toronto, maybe.
• How about that continuity? - Whenever there’s a nighttime scene with visible daylight shining in through closed curtains, or a scene that’s supposed to take place outside in the evening during a snow shower but you can see rays of natural sunlight striking the shoulders of the actors, I can’t help but laugh.
• They’re very...white - Okay, so this one is less funny than it is wrong but the principal casts of these films are white. Not mostly white, just white. There may be non-white extras in the background, or the occasional non-white supporting character, but the leads are all white. And in a diverse country such as ours, it just seems kind of uncool not to represent other ethnicities. In a Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie, it’s always a White Christmas. UPDATE: This year Hallmark Channel has at least two films where the main characters are not white! 
• Classic TV stars appearing in multiple movies - Frequent stars Danica McKellar (The Wonder Years), Candace Cameron Bure (Full House), and Lacey Chabert (Party of Five) are among the stars who each appear in multiple movies. Chabert has appeared in 12 movies for Hallmark (though they may not all be Christmas movies). In addition, actors like Henry Winkler (Happy Days) and Willie Ames (Charles In Charge) have appeared in supporting roles.

Digging deeper, the movies often feature common themes, or have common occurrences:

• There’s often a hotel, lodge, cabin, cottage, or business that’s central to the story - Don’t ask me why, I have no idea.
• The main character returns to her old hometown for some reason - Usually to help a beloved business or relative. And boy, things have changed/have remained exactly the same since she left all those years ago.
• The main character’s former love is involved - And again, he’s a perfect guy who puts us normal schmoes to shame!
• Someone has to catch a flight and the clock is ticking - It’s a race against time as someone has to accomplish a goal before a flight leaves. Either the main character needs to catch a flight, or stop someone else (usually her love interest) before he/she gets on their flight and out of the main character's life forever!
• The main character gets snowed in - Travel plans never seem to work out in the Hallmark Universe. But sometimes the snow-in leads to romance!
• Things work out in unexpected (and unrealistic) fashion - Example: The main character leaves her fiancé for her childhood sweetheart, and her fiancé is at peace with her decision: no tears, no trying to convince her to stay, no arguing, no conflict. He wishes her well and everything just works out.
• The first kiss is almost always interrupted - This may actually always be the case, as I can't seem to recall any movie where the first kiss between the romantic leads is not interrupted. The tension builds, they get close, are about to kiss, and then someone enters the room or opens the front door with a question or other statement that derails the whole thing.
• There's a misunderstanding the causes the whole romantic relationship to almost fall apart - Usually, one of the leads overhears a conversation between the other lead and another character and misinterprets it, causing the person who overheard the conversation to decide to leave town suddenly or take a job offer in a far away city.

Here’s a sampling of movie descriptions from Comcast’s channel guide (with some notes from yours truly in bold):

• A Perfect Christmas - Newlyweds Steve and Cynthia have a few secrets to keep as their families come for the holidays: he’s just been laid off, and she’s pregnant. (This one's almost an episode of Three's Company.)
• The Nine Lives of Christmas - As the Christmas holiday draws near, a veterinary student and a stray cat challenge a fireman’s commitment to life as a bachelor (he's perfect!).
• Christmas Connection - Sydney is tasked with looking after Leah, an unaccompanied minor. After Leah is safely delivered, Sydney finds a package Leah left behind and decides to deliver it. When she misses her connection ("Someone has to catch a flight and the clock is ticking"), she is invited to spend the holidays with them. 
• Christmas Joy - An ambitious market researcher returns home ("The main character returns to her old hometown for some reason") to care for her injured aunt. She’s reunited with her former crush ("The main character’s former love is involved"), now a hospital administrator.
• Enchanted Christmas - Interior designer Laura is sent to her hometown ("The main character returns to her old hometown for some reason") of Santa Fe, N.M., to remodel a landmark hotel ("There’s often a hotel, lodge, cabin, cottage, or business that’s central to the story") in time for a Christmas Eve benefit dance performance. As Laura dives into the renovations, she discovers that a former love ("The main character’s former love is involved") is the star of the benefit. (This one is a perfect example of the typical Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie.)
• Christmas at Pemberley Manor - A rich man falls back in love with Christmas and a party planner. (This one features two people outside while it snows yet is somehow sunny and bright at the same time -- the snow is CGI.)
• The Christmas Cottage - As maid of honor for her best friend Ava, cynical interior designer Lacey (another interior designer?) is tasked with decorating a honeymoon cottage ("There’s often a hotel, lodge, cabin, cottage, or buiness that’s central to the story") for the newlyweds. Although it's a simple enough task, she didn't plan on being snowed in ("The main character gets snowed in") with the bride-to-be's sexy brother.

I'm looking forward to catching as many of these this year as I can. It's become my new Christmas tradition!